For the last two months I’ve been feeling like I belong in a Beatrix Potter tale. Maybe lodged somewhere in the index between The Tale of Squirrel Nutkin and The Tale of Two Bad Mice. In fact, there are days where I’m so prickly from doing endless loads of laundry that I actually see the bristly, Scottish hedgehog Potter penned into the role of Animal Laundress of the Lake District gazing questioningly back at me from the mirror above my bathroom sink.
But in addition to being Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle’s doppelgänger, I have, as of late, been boldly playing the role of Mr. McGregor.
He and I share the same love of growing veg, and the same dream of wrapping our soil-stained hands around as many fluffy bunnies as we can throw into a gunny sack.
Real nature lovers, he and I.
First thing in the morning, I am woken by the night patrol shift. Smudge, the charcoal colored streak of flying fur I see only at mealtimes, waits at my shoulder, staring intently at whichever eyelid she is closest to and waits for lift off (or lift up in this case). Now is when she announces, in a slightly bitter tone, that according to the always accurate clock in her belly, breakfast is late. Then, as she leaps from the bed, she throws a quick, “oh, and bee tee dubs, there are rabbits in the garden.”
Covers are jerked off, the back door is flung open, and I sprint in a “Why are my legs not working??” kind of brain fog to scare off those wascally wabbits.
I get there too late and see nothing but cotton ball tails scurry back to their safety zone of immunity in the woods, or the fields, or Russia.
Disgruntled, I trudge down to the sheep barn to further fatten two defunct lawnmowers with a couple handfuls of grain. And by defunct lawnmowers I mean both sheep have decided they do not like the taste of our meadow grass and refuse to eat any more of it. Period.
I have never met, nor ever seen sheep go on a grass strike. And I feel if I were to admit this to any other farmer I would see tears spring to their eyes, and be later billed for the small hernia operation I forced them to have because they split a gut laughing over my fiascos in the fields. Yes, I can hear everyone telling me that I’m further complicating the matter by giving into their demands, that if I refuse them their cereal they will eventually give in to hunger and start mowing again, but I have SEEN these guys hold their breath—and I have no doubt that they would pass out just to prove a point.
Replacing the lid on the grain bucket, I catch movement out of the corner of my vision and turn to see two black pearled eyes blinking back at me on a shelf beneath the barn window. A fat field mouse, pink nosed and whiskered, stands up to his jelly bellied middle, surrounded by tiny shreds of paper towel, pine shavings and my latest issue of The New Yorker. He has made himself a cozy bed in a pocket betwixt wall and shelf. His eyes go wide.
“What?” he says. “I smell winter.”
“Get out,” I poke a rake at his nest.
“Fine, but can you leave the lid off the grain bucket? Now that I have to relocate, it puts a dent in my foraging schedule.”
I sit on the bucket. “Out.”
I watch him scuttle away and my faithful hound and I finish mucking out the barn. As I’m making my way back up the hill to the house, Haggis turns to me and says, “You know there are rabbits in the garden, right?”
“What?” I look at him. “How do you know?”
“I saw them when we came down to feed the sheep.”
I am miffed. “Why did you not run after them?” I shout.
“I was helping you muck out the barn.”
“YOU WERE EATING SHEEP POO!”
“I was helping.”
I stab a finger in the air toward my vegetables. “Go. Run. Now!”
Haggis gives me one of his, You’ve gotta be kidding me looks and says, “I am way too full to run. I could get a cramp.”
Doubly miffed, I march into my garden to see what fresh new destruction has occurred while both my well-fed, well-watered, overly indifferent protectors of the potagé have been enjoying the posh life.
As we near the beds, crows scatter from the blackberry bushes, a mole buries himself beneath the mulched pathway having munched his way through an entire cantelope, and a spindly legged fawn leaps in surprise and springs in misdirected flight toward the trees, still clutching a bright red, juicy tomato in his tiny mouth.
I lean on my trowel and look at the crops.
I think about the endless nagging I do with my children to eat more fruits and vegetables. I write about making good food choices, trying to illuminate the spectacular flavors from the garden and benefits from natural food sources.
I sigh and take down my Peter Rabbit scarecrow and replace it with a Welcome to the Salad Bar sign.
How can I chase away the collective few who have been following my advice all along? It’s absurd, right? I finally have an audience who are all ears and eager to eat what will make them big and strong. It’s now crystal clear to me … my forest friends have been reading my writing.
Social media is amazing.
Don’t forget to check out what we’re cookin’ in the Scullery (here) and what we all talked about down in the pub (here). And to see more of Robin Gott‘s humor–all from the only pen carved from a human funny bone–click here.
- Critter Control: Rabbits (gardening.answers.com)
- Prince George’s Beatrix Potter themed nursery (hellomagazine.com)
- The Life of Beatrix Potter (historicalwritings.wordpress.com)
9 thoughts on “A fairly faithful fairy tale”
Delightful tale of intrigue, woe, humor, drama and redemption. Classic!
What a review! Many thanks for that. 😉
And you’re spot on with the order of events, Kami. I think I’d have to jump off a cliff if the humor didn’t immediately follow the woe.
I am the sunshine fairy on earth
I certainly hope your profession pays well. We should all be so lucky to have employment in this day and age.
Oh Yes…I have exactly 0 pounds in the bank as I write this…I do it for Love and Charity…Have a wonderful evening
This Smelley, is perhaps your best writing yet. Outside of burning my legs with my morning tea from the children jumping on my bed, crying from laughter and nearly shorting out my keyboard (thank you), I feel your pain of gardening and the desire to give up.
““I think I could turn and live with the animals, they are so placid and self contained;” – Walt Whitman. (Yes Walt, but they taste good too). Yep, and content too… right in your garden. I’m sure you’d have some form of feed back for Walt if he were around today.
Unless you have, pick up the book “The $64 Tomato” by William Alexander. We’ve all played that role.
So, which is less expensive: a) you, gardening for sanity and the animals, or b) shopping at Whole Foods? (I can’t wait to go back there… yummy treats). Consider having Little C write an equation to help you with that conundrum.
P.s. Rob, keep the comics coming, great stuff.
I love ‘The $64 Tomato.’ So painfully true and a story many of us have lived. But the humor helps.
Hope the burns aren’t too severe – or I hope they were worth it.
Thanks for reading and the
Thankyou.. life on a farm… it took me back to when I visited my grandparents on their farm and played with all the animals… I love your writing and your blog Shelley… and thank you for reading and liking my post with answers on Project O…. I would like to think this is the beginning of a nice friendship… I’ll enjoy catching up now and again on your wonderful journey… Barbara
Such kind comments, Barbara, but I’ve come to see that you are an individual who practices what you preach. And that is a wonderfull rarity these days. I will attempt to keep your sage words in mind as I develop a worthy life by sharing the occasional opinion or two. But perhaps that’s why I blog. Cheers to a new friendship!